The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.