The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.


My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal


i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses


I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.


I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.