If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.