@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

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@ham_why

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

@thepaulasuzanne

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@UNDEADTRESOR

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

@CrseOfOakIsland

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.