The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone