The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!