The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised