The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
You Might Also Like
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
O Wise One….
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.