@lomavistaplace

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

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@Shade510

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

@UluwatuSiap

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

@ThisOneSayz

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

@Shade510

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@WeirdHorse

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

@Voiceofgarth

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?