The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
For anyone who needs this today
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
time machine? you mean a clock?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/