The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.