The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Thoughts