The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.