The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!