The fall of Netflix
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.