The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
True statement👍😏😁
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die