the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
crochet youtube is brutal
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…