The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.