The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Dietest Coke
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?