The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You Might Also Like
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.