The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”