The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?