The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.