The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??