The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
sry
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.