The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?