The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
shut up and take my money
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I’m putting together a team
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Rather alarming headline…
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing