The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My life coach traded me.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
just witnessed a drug deal
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.