The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.