The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m too immature for adultery.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
#Caturday
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community