The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.