The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficultš
You Might Also Like
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I feel seen
this… may be the greatest story ever told
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* āThe pen is mightier than the swordā
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would youāweāre not even in competing markets!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The Face ID on my phone doesnāt recognise me when Iām smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[blind date]
Her: Whereās your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Nothing says I donāt want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? Cāmere! Iāve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounceā¢: I literally cannot
Iām not ālateā, Iām just very creative with my interpretation of ātimeā.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bobā¦what does it look like Iām doing?
Neighbor: ā¦urinating on my mailbox
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence š„°