The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please