The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?