The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me too door. Me too.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
The booster protects against what, now?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.