The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat