The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth