The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You Might Also Like
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
who will stop them
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”