The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.