The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Stop being racist to kettles.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*