The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants