The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip