The first matador
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987