The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged