The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.


If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️


If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.


I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.


What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.