@TravLeBlanc

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

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@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@MoistPork

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

@ManateeJack

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@girl_a_whirl

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

@shegotagronk

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

@noog

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.