[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Saturday
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The game has officially changed 😎
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.