The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
some cats are just doing for fun!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Okay, I’m still confused…
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.