The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!