The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”