The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
i- i did not expect this
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re