The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”