The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?


Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?


It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.


*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*


According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.


Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-


DAD: -that’s sound advice.