@GlennyRodge

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

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@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@Dawn_M_

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

@Smooheed

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@mrtruthandsoul

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@emsykay

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.