[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Just a friendly reminder!
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.