The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet