Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)