The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.