The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.


gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better


I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.


A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.


Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.


Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK


If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉