It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉