@tigersgoroooar

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

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@Cpin42

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@MagentaPapi

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

@Bandersnaaatch

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

@JasonLastname

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@VallyOfTheLilly

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

@antheanton

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉