The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You Might Also Like
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.