Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray